Breakups can be tough, no matter who decides to end the relationship. You might struggle to find closure and experience a range of emotions. Experts say the end of a relationship can also bring on feelings of grief. “Any time you end a relationship, it’s definitely a loss and it can be an adjustment that can be really hard, even if you’re the one who’s choosing to end the relationship,” says Alison LaSov, LMFT, CEO of mental health care platform Advekit. “It is a form of grieving when you end a relationship. With any kind of grief, you cycle through the different phases of feeling sad and lonely and angry and upset and kind of all those things.” The exact emotions that someone feels after a breakup can vary based on an individual’s feelings and the situation. But, sadness, loneliness, resentment, and anger are common. “What’s important is that you identify how you are feeling and find a healthy way of expressing and processing it so that you can move past it,” says Melissa Dempsey, LCSW, a therapist with virtual health platform PlushCare. Not all feelings after a breakup are negative, though. “Sometimes breakups can leave us feeling empowered, free, grateful, accepting, hopeful, and loving,” says Laura Geftman, LCSW and mental health consultant at mental health platform Lina. Moving on from a relationship can take time. It often depends on addressing your feelings, prioritizing your mental wellbeing, and thinking about what your future holds. Here are some ways to move on from a breakup.
Let yourself feel what you feel
No matter what you’re feeling after a relationship ends, it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions, Geftman says, “This can of course be difficult, but it is a massive part of healing.” Everyone goes through a breakup differently, depending on what led the relationship to end, who ended it, and how it ended. To let the other person go and rebuild yourself in a positive, healthy way, it takes introspection, reflection, and time, she says, “Feelings about a breakup let us know what we have internalized from the relationship, oftentimes provide clarity about ourselves and the other person in hindsight, and can help guide us toward what we want for ourselves in future relationships.”
Practice self-care
Making time for yourself after a breakup is crucial, says LaSov. Find a way to practice self-care, whatever that means for you—yoga, massages, exercise, or hobbies. “So many times, when we are in a relationship that ends in a breakup, we can look back and realize that maybe we were putting our partner’s needs first or maybe we even became a little codependent,” Dempsey says. The more you prioritize yourself, the less you’ll think about your ex or the breakup, Geftman says, “Focusing on what makes you feel happy and fulfilled will empower you and remind you of what makes you so special and worthy of love.”
Lean on your support system
It’s tempting to withdraw and isolate yourself after a breakup, but doing so might make you dwell on the situation. Geftman says it’s vital to lean on your friends and loved ones and have a support system in place during this time. “Having a laugh with your best friend can feel like the ultimate light in the post-breakup darkness,” she says. “No matter what happens to you, your friends and family love you and want to see you happy. Let them remind you how awesome and lovable you are. Let them grab your hands while you get back on your feet.” Sometimes while in a relationship you might not have spent as much time as you should with loved ones, Dempsey says, so reconnecting “is a great way to get social self-care and to distract you.” “You definitely need time alone to process and heal, but keep it to the level that is healthy and make sure you’re still getting out of bed and leaving the house,” she adds.
Think about the future
Finding closure is the key to moving on from a breakup. Dempsey says closure means different things for different people. It could be having a cordial conversation with your ex or writing a letter to your former partner, even if you never give it to them. It’ll help you get your feelings out and give you an opportunity to heal. Once you start to heal, Geftman says to start setting small, mindful goals for the future. “When we go through a breakup, oftentimes the future we envisioned with the other person dissipates and we are left feeling lost or confused,” she says. “The future seemingly becomes cloudy and scary. This is why it is important to begin planning for a future for you and only you.”
Avoid harmful coping mechanisms
When you’re down or dealing with negative emotions, don’t turn to drugs or alcohol. “Alcohol is a depressant and can make you feel even worse the day after drinking if you are already in a funk,” Dempsey says, adding that it’s OK to enjoy a glass of wine with friends, just don’t use it as a coping strategy. Self-medicating or bottling up your emotions might seem to provide immediate gratification, but will actually delay dealing with the breakup, healing and moving on, Geftman says, “Dismissing your feelings doesn’t make them go away—it simply ensures they will come up in other, sometimes more detrimental ways in your life.”
Seek help if you need it
Breakups inevitably take a toll on your mental health. It’s crucial to seek mental health treatment if you’re experiencing suicidal ideation, where, for example, you feel like you don’t want to live without your ex or don’t care what your future holds, Dempsey says. Another reason to seek treatment is if your feelings interfere with your daily functioning, such as missing work or not spending time with friends, she adds. Changes in sleep habits, loss of appetite or a lack of motivation are other signs that you should talk to a professional. While people often start therapy during a crisis, LaSov suggests there’s no need to wait until that point. “Breakup or not, I think therapy is healthy,” she says. “It’s a really great way to navigate and have someone help you navigate what you’re working through.” Next up: Best Mental Health Apps Sources:
Melissa Dempsey, LCSW, a therapist at PlushCareLaura Geftman, LCSW, mental health consultant at LinaAlison LaSov, LMFT, CEO of AdvekitCleveland Clinic:Grieving After a Breakup? 6 Strategies to Help You Heal
